Frieza's Restaurant
by Doku Hana
Summary: Frieza opens up a restaurant in Hana, Iyo, and Jun's neighborhood, and you'll never guess what's on the menu! (not about the Z senshi, but it is about Nameks...I think it's funny...)


The light had been red for an eternity. Hana tapped her fingers on the steering wheel impatiently, and Jun slapped the hula girl on Hana's dashboard and watched it beat it's head on either side of it's base.  
"So, where're we going?"   
It was a normal summer day. Jun Nippon-fu, Iyo Ichi, and Doku Hana were in the car with no idea where the heck that they were going.  
"How 'bout lunch? I'll buy..." Hana thumbed through her wallet.  
"Food?" Iyo perked up. "Food is good..."  
"Yeah! I'm always game for a free meal!" Jun grinned cheesily.  
"Jun, you're always game for any kind of meal!" Hana said, pressing the accelerator as the light changed.   
"Oh shut up." Jun narrowed her eyes and grumbled.  
"Hey! What's that?" Iyo jabbed her finger towards a large, white, circular building on the next street. Jun read the sign.  
"The Flying Saucer. Hmm..."   
"Y'all want to try it?" Hana slowed down and turned on her turn signal.  
"Sure, sounds like our kind of restaurant, actually..."  
Hana pulled into the parking lot and parked. The outside of the restaurant was deceiving. On the outside, the restaurant was a plain, white, cylindrical building about two stories tall. On the inside, you had to walk up a small flight of stairs to get up into the actual restaurant. It looked as if the floor had been originally been sloped towards the center, but had been leveled off. A Man with white hair and blue skin seated them in a booth near a window. From the outside the windows looked like they were square, but on the inside you found out that the windows were really oval, and that the outside was a façade. They had hung fairy lights between the two and had created a kind of "spacey" look. Hana, Iyo, and Jun picked up their menus.  
A 6-foot tall white, fuzzy rhinoceros man in Ginyu Force-type armor approached them with a notepad in hand.  
"Welcome to the "Flying Saucer" My name is Bob and I will be your server today. May I take your order?" Hana poured over the menu.  
"Um, what language is this?" The menu seemed to be written in a cross between Bajoran hieroglyphs and splattered lizard guts.   
"Oh, I sorry. That's for our intergalactic guests. We've only been open for a couple of days and haven't had time to print up any Earth-language ones." Hana, Iyo, and Jun looked at each other. This was taking the "flying saucer" theme a little too far.  
"Well...Would you tell us what's on the menu? We're kinda hungry!" Jun's stomach growled.  
"Uh... Why don't I get you an appetizer first? Since this is our grand opening week, appetizers are on the house! And that way, I won't have to tell you the specials." Jun, Iyo, and Hana looked at each other, each of them wondering if that made any sense to any of the others. Jun and Iyo thought Hana understood, so they pretended that it made perfect sense to them. Hana thought that Jun and Iyo knew what he was talking about, so instead of losing face in front of her younger friends, she B.S.ed and played along. I mean, the guy was a white, fuzzy rhinoceros! He had to know what he was talking about!  
"This is sooo kick ass! It's like 'The Magic Time Machine', only with aliens!" Iyo bounced on the booth's cushions.  
"I wonder what the appetizer is?" Hana looked around. She didn't see anyone who looked like they had an appetizer. She then noticed that it wasn't only the waiters that had on the alien outfits. The clientele did too.   
"Hey, I wonder what's up with all the costumes?" Hana frowned and sat back down in her seat.  
"Heh, they might not be costumes... There was an anime convention yesterday, remember?" Jun chuckled.  
"Riiiight." They all said together.  
"More weirdos like us!" Iyo chirped. The Rhino-man returned with a cart. On the cart was a huge domed plate. The dome was large enough to hide most normal sized people standing upright, and nearly anyone sitting. The rhino man heaved the plate onto the table and then took hold of the ring at the top. Jun rubbed her hands together.  
"OoOo!"  
"Voila!" Steam rose from the plate as the dome was lifted off. Two wide, very pitiful eyes looked through the steam at three sets of very surprised ones. A tallish Namek who looked to be around the equivalent of 20 in human years, sat cross-legged, tied up, and very naked in the center of the plate surrounded by garnish. He yelped and whined incoherently. That might have been because someone had stuck an apple in his mouth...  
"W-what is this?" Hana managed to squeak. "Bob" looked at her like she was from another planet.  
"Why, it's our specialty dish! Steamed Namek!" Iyo and Hana facevaulted in classic anime style. "And now, the appetizer will tell you the specials of the day!" Bob ripped the apple out of the unfortunate Namek's mouth.  
"Ow!" The Namek coughed and rubbed his jaw. "You nearly took my fangs out with that!" Bob sneered at him.   
"I wouldn't worry about your fangs... They won't be of use to you for much longer..." The Namek looked around the table at the knives and forks and swallowed hard. Bob slapped him across the back of the head. "TELL THEM ABOUT THE SPECIALS!"  
"Sheesh, fine..." The Namek cleared his throat. " Okay, the specials today are grilled fillet of Yardrak, fried..." The Namek whinced. "Namek antennae with dragon balls..." Iyo quirked an eyebrow.  
"Dragon Balls?" The Namek sighed.  
"No, dragons' balls..." Iyo slumped in her seat. The Namek continued his spiel. "And 'Meet Your Meat'." Hana raised her eyebrows.  
"Meet...Your...Meat?" Hana had the distinct impression she was going to be sorry she asked.  
"The waiter will bring out today's meat for your inspection..." Jun banged her flatware on the table hungrily.   
"I'll have that! Whatever it is, I'll have that! I'm so hungry, I don't care!"   
"'Meet Your Meat' it is then! Anyone else know what they want?" Hana and Iyo nodded their heads "no" furiously. Bob looked at the Namek.  
"Well, keep going, you big slug! Tell them about the rest of the menu!" The Namek signed resignedly.  
"We've also got Namek bugers, Namek burritos, Namek fajitas, Namek in white wine sauce-don't worry, with that one they're so drunk they don't feel a thing... If you care about that..." Bob growled.  
"Keep on the subject!"  
"Right, right... Namek kabobs, Namek scallopini-pretty much anything you can put chicken, beef, or anything green in they've substituted Namek for it."  
"What about the guacamole?" Iyo interjected.  
"No, no... That's okay, they've left that alone. What you really have to watch for is what the hot dogs are..." The Namek began to hum "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" and Bob took out his notepad again.  
"So, what can I get you girls?"   
"Nothing for me, thanks!" Iyo said from under the table.  
"You could get me the manager!" Hana crossed her arms. "This is disgusting!" Jun poked the Namek with her fork.  
"Yeah! He's not cooked enough!" Iyo and Hana facevaulted again.  
"Okay, I'll be back in a minute with your order and the manager." Bob disappeared into the kitchen. Iyo climbed back onto the seat. The girls stared at the Namek. The Namek stared at them.  
"I can't eat him..." Iyo whimpered, "He's looking at me!" Jun frowned at this.  
"Well, HERE!" Jun tied a napkin around his eyes.  
"I can't eat him either!" Hana brushed her hand on his face. "He's too cute!" The Namek blushed. "Awww... See?" Jun scowled at them.  
"Cows are cute and can look at you, but you eat them! What's the difference?"   
"Nameks are sentient! That's what's different!" Hana puffed up with anger. Jun ignored her and stabbed the Namek's leg with her fork.  
"Sentient my ass! I ordered him, and I'm gonna EAT him!"  
"OhmigodthisisitI'MGONNADIE!" The Namek shrieked. Hana kicked Jun under the table.  
"Jun! Stop that! He is too sentient! What's your name, kid?" Hana snapped.  
"K-kamaloli."  
"See? He knows who he is! He knows his own name! He's just like a human! You can't eat humans, right Jun?" Jun looked at her unblinkingly, knife and fork clutched in her hands. "Never mind, I forgot who I was talking to..." Kamaloli inched towards Hana and Iyo.   
"Eek! She's gonna eat me..." Kamaloli looked at Jun wild-eyed. Jun licked her lips. "Oh gods of the planet Namek protect your lost son..."  
"It's okay, we won't let her hurt you, big guy!" Iyo patted his arm. "She's harmless, really!" Jun growled. Just then, Bob came back with Jun's soon-to-be lunch. Behind him was a parade of Nameks chained together of all shapes and sizes. Fat ones, skinny ones, short ones, tall ones, young ones and old ones. All of them looked scared out of their wits.  
"You can select a cut from any of these choice specimens..." Bob motioned towards the train of Nameks, in a very "Vanna White" sort of way. Jun hopped up from her seat and began to inspect them.   
"Hmm..." She felt of a very muscular Namek's shoulder then trailed down his back. The Namek gritted his teeth. To the Nameks it was very like being put up before a firing squad.  
"Is there any particular cut you were looking for?" Bob offered.  
"Hmm..." Jun looked the Nameks over. "Actually, I was thinking of rump roast..." 15 green butts simultaneously clenched. She walked behind all the Nameks, and kept coming back to a well-built one in the center of the line up. She finally stopped and slapped his rear. He yelped and began sputtering.  
"H-heh, y-you don't want me! I-I'm really fat! C-choose him!" He pointed to the Namek next to him. "Choose Schnecke! H-he's been working out!" The other Namek turned to him sharply and scowled.  
"Oh, thanks a lot, Makigai!" Jun looked at them both.  
"Nah, I like the first one better..." She pointed at Makigai. "I'll have his ass!"   
"One steaming plate of hot ass coming up!" Hana leaned over and whispered to Iyo.  
"Something vaguely sexual..." Iyo giggled at Hana. Meanwhile, Bob separated Makigai from the rest of the Nameks. Makigai protested and tried to squirm out of his grasp.  
"Oh can it, Makigai! It's not like it won't grow back!" Bob shoved him towards the kitchen and pulled the parade along with him.  
"That's it! I can't stand this anymore! GET ME THE MANAGER!" Hana bristled, slamming her hands on the table.   
"You called?" A raspy, deep, and rather feminine voice purred menacingly in Hana's right ear. The manager's sudden appearance caught her off guard. She hadn't even heard her coming. They all turned towards the voice. Standing beside the booth in what looked like Namek skin boots, belt, gloves, and matching handbag, was Frieza. Hana and Iyo leapt across the table into Jun's lap. Kamaloli looked at Frieza, his pupils the size of pin pricks and his antennae vibrating with the rest of his body. Frieza's eyes narrowed. "Is there something you wanted? Is something not to your satisfaction?"  
"N-no!" Iyo squeaked, "Everything's just fine and dandy! H-heh!" Hana stared at Frieza, then quirked an eyebrow.  
"Um... Aren't-aren't you dead or something? D-didn't you go to hell?" Hana managed to stutter. Frieza smirked and chuckled.  
"We're in Texas, remember? In summer, it is hell!" Jun, Iyo, and Hana looked at each other, and nodded knowingly. "I decided to enter this business since I had found a bunch of worthless Nameks, and couldn't find any other practical use of them. That, and hell is extremely boring. Beating up anyone and everyone loses it's charm after a while...Heh."  
"I'm-I'm sorry to hear that Miss-I-I mean, Mr. Frieza..." Iyo blushed and began giggling hysterically. Frieza looked at her suspiciously, but apparently didn't notice her slip up.  
"Well, if everything's okay, then I'll excuse myself. I have a restaurant to tend to." As Frieza disappeared, Iyo, Hana, and Kamaloli all exhaled in relief.   
"Boy, that was close..." Iyo slumped in her seat and sighed.  
"Let's get out of here, as quickly as possible!" Hana said, climbing back over to the other side of the booth.  
"Wussies! We can't leave now! I haven't gotten my food yet! Not only that, but we haven't eaten our appetizer!" Jun snapped. Kamaloli started whimpering again.  
"You're sick, Jun." Hana scowled at her, "You're not eating a live Namek. I won't let you! We'll just leave him here-."  
"NO!" Kamaloli yelled. "Don't leave me! No! Puh-leeeze! Take me with you! I'll do anything for you if you'll take me home! If you don't they'll just put me back in the kitchen and someone else will eat me!" Hana considered this, and then turned to Kamaloli.   
"Anything?" Hana's eyes glinted. Kamaloli looked unsure, but decided that anything would be better than being an appetizer.   
"A-anything!" Hana smiled slyly.  
"I'm willing to take you home with me, but first you're going to have to learn a few phrases. Repeat after me: Yes, oh exalted master!"  
"Y-yes, oh exalted master?"  
"I will do the laundry, cook dinner, and clean the house." Kamaloli swallowed hard.  
"I will do the laundry, cook dinner, and clean the house."  
"You're wish is my command, Mistress Doku!"  
"You're wish is my command, Mistress Doku."  
"Who's your daddy!"  
"Who's your...Daddy?" Kamaloli cocked his head and looked at her strangely.  
"Heh, sorry... I just had to make someone say that..." Hana grinned. Iyo shook her head in disdain. Hana picked up her steak knife and cut the bonds on his feet and hands. "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life! You're free!" Jun snorted.  
"Yeah, from one type of bondage to another completely different kind... You better memorize that 'Who's your daddy' line, Kamaloli. You'll prolly be saying it a lot, knowing Hana..." Hana's eye twitched and her face turned a very dark shade of red.  
"You're SICK! I'M NOT LIKE THAT!" Hana yelled frantically.  
"Heh, suuuuure, Hana." Jun chuckled. Just then, Bob returned with Jun's steaming plate of Namek rear. "Finally!" Jun tucked her napkin into her collar and dug into the green/gray meat. "Mm, this is pretty good!" Kamaloli turned pale and looked nauseous. "What's the sauce on this?"  
"Saiyan sauce, ma'am..." Bob said calmly before walking away. Jun turned green and spit the meat back on the plate as visions of a very pathetic looking doe-eyed "Don't eat me!" Vegeta danced in her head.   
"NOW you understand!" Hana said, crossing her arms. Jun nodded dumbly.  
"Let's get out of here... If we stay here much longer I'm going to need therapy until I'm 65!" Iyo whimpered. Hana flagged Bob down.  
"Hey! Can we have the check please?" Hana looked at Kamaloli. "And a doggy bag! A really big one..."  
"Is that really necessary? I mean, I can walk..." Kamaloli brushed off the garnish and got off he table to sit beside his new master. Hana looked at him.  
"I wasn't thinking of carrying you. I just thought you might want to... You know... Wear it out..." She glanced down momentarily and Kamaloli followed her gaze. He realized that he was still very much in the buff. He blushed furiously.  
"Heh, right, thanks..." Bob came back with the doggy bag, and Hana reluctantly paid for Jun's rump roast and the four hurried out the door and into Hana's car.  
"Well, that was a waste of time." Jun muttered, "We spent a lot of time in there, and I'm still hungry!"   
"I don't think it was a waste of time..." Hana grinned as she watched Kamaloli bat the hula dancer on her dashboard.  
"You're still hungry after that?" Iyo threw her arms up in exasperation. "I'm not going to be able to eat anything for a week! It's gonna take me two to eat anything green!" Hana shook her head in agreement.  
"Yeah, you can get anything you don't want at Frieza's Restaurant..." Jun's stomach growled.  
"Can we just drive through Taco Bell?" Iyo and Hana both groaned.  
  



End file.
